One of my core healing paths is healing my bulimia and all its traits, finding even gratitude in doing so, in the dance. I developed bulimia as a young woman to survive and I did this in a way that was so well hidden that no-one really knew because I would not gain or lose any weight. I would just vomit twice a day or once, to cope with what life brought. A lot of confusions and not knowing how to deal with the arising feelings.
Anger was not an acceptable emotion in my catholic upbringing, and I was a very angry child. I used to slam doors so hard that the walls were crumbling. I was obviously wrong deep down. Like the ugly duckling, the black sheep. I was convinced something was very wrong with me.
I remember a moment in my Movement Medicine Apprenticeship where I noticed a lot of anger in the room, and I said I have no idea how to express my own anger safely. It was too big. How to do this without hurting anyone including myself. Where to let it out to, where to “send it”??? I asked for help, and it turned out, not only was I angry but I was furious. To acknowledge that I am a “furious woman” and to be witnessed in this with compassion and that this was ok to acknowledge was huge. Ya’Acov suggested to press my hands against the wall to have resistance and then push. (Preparing my body and making sure not to hurt myself or others) So I did, and then I screamed, until I was gently stopped by one of the assistants to say this is probably enough for now. I surrendered into a loving embrace as I collapse gently to the floor. My body softening, and rivers flowing.
Later in a ceremony I found myself dancing with my right hand, I had no idea what it meant, and I just followed it. I suddenly felt this enormous amount of gratitude towards my right hand which has always helped me to purge. Thanking my hand and this clever tool of bulimia that allowed me to survive, and that now I have been able to let go of.
Whilst I have become aware that other traits lie beneath bulimia that are wanting to heal, I have also learned that gratitude and space for celebrating are indispensable for integrating any steps taken. And only if I allow this time will I be able to complete a cycle and start the next.
Today I want to celebrate that I have done a lot, and that owning and befriending my anger was a huge and healthy step which has changed my relationship with myself, with my family, with food and with life. I was able to move from wishing to die, to loving life, to wanting to serve life not from a place of feeling unworthy but from a place of belonging and longing to playing my role.
Thank you, Movement Medicine, thank you Susannah and Ya’Acov Darling Khan, all the assistants, especially Yasia Leiserach and David Mooney, my peers, the MESA, my family, my faith and upbringing AND life with space for my ♥️
Hello theatre of life, come on stage and join me, will you?
